It’s not often that a draft recap turns into a Kicking Rocks piece, but either you people are so insanely fickle and have the most malleable minds ever or you’re just trolling me because your mom won’t let you go out and chase Pokemom until you clean the basement…er…I mean…your apartment. Whichever the case may be, I am going to pour some gasoline on the fire and feed your anger with an explanation as to why I drafted the team I did in the SiriusXM Fantasy Sports Radio Host League and why you should just suck it!

Last time I checked, fantasy football was still considered a game, no different from Dungeons & Dragons, Magic Cards or whatever other nerdly hobby you and your online friends play. And games are supposed to be fun, right? Sure, we play to win, but if you’re not having fun while playing, what’s the point? To win money? OK, yes, in many leagues there is an entrance fee and cash prizes are awarded to the winners, but if the money involved is so important to you that you’re not even enjoying the game, maybe you’re risking more money than you should be.

Yes, I play in leagues with an entrance fee and of course I would like to be swimming through giant piles of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck by season’s end, but is that what’s most important to me? No. Absolutely not. I want to beat my friends and co-workers and I want to talk a ton of smack while I’m doing it. I’m in it for the bragging rights and the ability to say that I am better than you, at least in fantasy football. I’ll be a terrible, shit-talking winner but I’ll also take my losses with a smile, especially if the smack-talk coming back at me is of the highest quality. To me, that’s what’s fun. That’s why I got into this industry and that’s why I play this game.

So when 12 of us who host shows on SiriusXM Fantasy Sports Radio gathered together in a Fantrax draft room and embarked on the first of the channel’s numerous host leagues, my primary goal was to have fun, dammit. There’s no prize here; no cash payout, no extra air-time given. We play for bragging rights. We play so we can talk a bunch of shit about each other on the air in an effort to entertain and educate you. Yeah, that’s right, we do this for you. We are men and women of the people and we do what we do for you. No. Thanks. Required.

With that in mind, understand that this team I drafted is actually YOUR team. After all, what’s more fun that having fun at someone else’s expense? After all the calls, all the emails, all the tweets, these are the players all of you supposedly want to draft or protect this season. It mattered not that I tweeted back at you to not protect a certain guy. It mattered not that Ray Flowers berated you on-air for 45 minutes after you asked if someone was worth trading your first-round pick for. These are players you people love. These are players you people want to draft. And when I say you people, I mean YOU PEOPLE.

Here's a look at what went down and why it did. I hope you enjoy.

Draft Board: http://www.fantrax.com/newui/fantasy/draftResults.go?leagueId=myunkf7nirf9zjoc

12-team full-point PPR with a starting roster of 1 QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 Flex, 1 Kicker and 1 team defense. The draft went 16 rounds so everyone drafted a six-player bench. The scoring is as standard as you get with 4 points for a passing TD, 6 points for a rush/rec TD, 1 point for every 25 passing yards, 1 point for every 10 rush/rec yards, yadda yadda yadda.

Round 1

Ezekiel Elliot, RB DAL – I’ve said it over and over again on-air and am happy to say it right here as well. I am not some big Elliot fan and continue to struggle to see the value of taking him in the first round. I’m not adverse to taking rookies nor do I preach passing up on them if you like a particular guy, but when I am making my first-round selection, I try to avoid as much uncertainty as I can. And rookies in the NFL all have a high degree of uncertainty surrounding them as the pro game is light years different from collegiate play. But I understand the arguments. The Dallas offensive line is strong, Elliot is lauded for his pass-blocking, Darren McFadden is hurt, blah, blah blah. Left with the choice at this point of the draft, I can understand people’s desire to grab Elliot with a late-round selection with the likes of Todd Gurley, David Johnson and Adrian Peterson off the board. Le’Veon Bell’s suspension pushes him out of my first round and I’ve never been a fan of either Lamar Miller or Devonta Freeman. The only receiver I really liked as a potential first-round pick was Brandon Marshall, but I’m not allowed to draft any offensive players from the Jets. Yes, I do think so highly of myself that I am capable of jinxing players on my favorite team. And that leads me to here. Talk to any Cowboys fan and they’ll tell you that Elliot is going to win rushing title after rushing title and his fantasy points total is going to be massive. Talk to any non-Cowboys fan and they can’t really bash the guy, save for saying that rookies sometimes struggle in the NFL. Crazy high ceiling, lots of buzz about him and if anything, I earned the respect, love and admiration of Glenn Colton with my selection.

 

Round 2

Rob Gronkowski, TE NE – This guy’s the greatest thing since sliced bread until I drafted him apparently. Suddenly no one but Pats fans like him and suddenly he’s going to lose targets to guys like Danny Amendola. Come on, people. Where’s the love? Where are the cries of “Gronk Smash”? Why now is everyone jumping on-board the “don’t take a tight end early” train? Sure, the impending four-game suspension of Tom Brady sucks, but Gronk is still going to see mad targets and he is still capable of putting up numbers like a WR1, right? Ah well. Haters gonna hate.

Round 3

Carlos Hyde, RB SF – Obviously it’s a fickle world in which we live as everyone who was clamoring over a Chip Kelly offense and how DeMarco Murray was going to thrive under him have now seemingly flipped to Jim Bob Cooter and his offense in Detroit. Still, there are some of you Chip Kelly fans still lurking and I have been inundated with questions regarding Hyde’s recovery from his foot injury and proclamations that, as the “bell-cow” in San Francisco, he’s going to see a crazy number of touches this year. Will he? I can’t say for certain, but with a suspect quarterback situation and an aging Torrey Smith as the only reliable receiving option, it does seem plausible that Hyde will be ridden by Kelly and the Niners like he was Seabiscuit competing for the Triple Crown. Not sure if Toby Maguire has been asked to play the role of Kelly just yet, so let’s hold off on making this movie.

Round 4

Donte Moncrief, WR IND – I wasn’t going to let four rounds go by without grabbing a wideout, so I got a little creative here and went with the uber-talented Moncrief. Is he my favorite? No, but he was probably the best guy remaining not named Eric Decker (see Round 1 reasoning). The Colts are going to be chucking the ball up and down the field all season long and Moncrief is going to be a huge part of the passing attack. Plus, Kyle Elfrink made the on-air bold prediction that Moncrief would actually out-produce T.Y. Hilton, so if he doesn’t, I get to razz Kyle all year and blame him for my receiving corps shortcomings.

Round 5

Sterling Shepard, WR NYG – Well, it’s like I say to my wife after one of those rare, married couple bedroom sessions: Sometimes these are just for me. While my first four picks came directly from the preseason hype machine, I figured I’d throw one of my own in there. Anyone who has done a draft with me and the Mock Draft Army knows that I covet Shepard this year. I love what he can bring to the table and firmly believe that he will be Eli Manning’s go-to guy to move the chains while Odell Beckham draws all the double-teams and opposing defenses’ top corners. I also believe that if you really, really want a guy and you don’t think he’s coming back to you, then you take him. And that’s exactly what I did. A reach? Probably. But I’ve had numerous conversations with everyone in this draft and had my doubts that I would see him come my way again. I even took him here in the fifth to ensure that Joe Pisapia wouldn’t grab him out of some crazy spite just to screw me. Paranoia? Maybe a little. But when Shepard is racking up major points this season, I’ll be sitting back with a big ol’ Kool-Aid smile on my face.

Round 6

Josh Gordon, WR CLE – Now come on, people. Why does this pick merit such criticism? Do you not listen to all the shows on Sirius? Do you not hear how everyone and their grandmother wants to protect this guy or take him in their draft as high as the sixth round? Come on. This guy has seen more press for not being in the NFL than anyone who has played every down of every game for the last two seasons. There is at least one call to every show about Gordon and now suddenly I take him here and everyone thinks this is the worst pick in the world? I’m baffled. We say don’t do it and you argue with us as to why you should. Then we do as YOU say and take him where YOU want to take him and he’s dogshit. Make up your friggin minds. Listen to us or don’t listen to us; it’s your choice. But stop flip-flopping like you’re sitting here running for President. I took Gordon here for all of you. I hate the fact that he’s out for the first four weeks – a quarter of the regular fantasy season. I have no faith that this is the year he stays sober and out of trouble. But I do like showing all of you how ridiculous you sound when you ask us daily about when you should draft this ass-clown. It also doesn’t hurt that I know me making this pick pisses off Ray Flowers so much that when I beat him this this jabroney on my roster, it stings that much more.

I think you’re starting to get where I’m coming from here, right? I’m in plenty of leagues in which I am building solid teams more than capable of competing for a championship title, so I opted to have a little fun with not just my team here, but the audience as well. How many Josh Gordon trade questions am I going to answer over the next two months? If Ezekiel Elliot fails to deliver inside the first two weeks of the season, how many of you are going to call/write in and ask what to do with him? The list goes on and on. Here are the remaining players I took with a very quick hot-take and you tell me if the pick was smart or not.

Round 7

Justin Forsett, RB BAL – Will he be useless now that Javorius Allen is loved by so many and that the always disappointing Terrance West is suddenly running like a beast during the first week of August?

Round 8

Eli Manning, QB NYG – This guy plus Ben McAdoo pulling all the strings equals breakout campaign, right? That’s what everyone is saying, so with that and the double-points potential having both him and Shepard, clearly I am winning this league.

Round 9

Mohamed Sanu, WR ATL – He moves from the shadow of A.J. Green to the shadow of Julio Jones and somehow this is an upgrade? Maybe from Andy Dalton to Matt Ryan is, but with the number of targets Jones sees, it’s tough to see this being anything more than a lateral move for the veteran wideout.

Round 10

Tavon Austin, WR LARM – Ten touchdowns last year, people. Ten touchdowns. It doesn’t matter that you can’t predict when he’ll find the end zone or which teams will fall for the gimmick plays, but it’s 10 touchdowns.

Round 11

Josh Ferguson, RB IND – Frank Gore is old and broken and both Jordan Todman and Robert Turbin suck. Past rookie struggles are irrelevant as he will take over the lead running back role in no time!

Round 12

Darren McFadden, RB DAL – The importance of a handcuff here. It doesn’t matter that he’s already hurt and likely to miss most, if not all, of camp. He had a huge year last year and will play like a champ once again, right? ::insert sheepish grin here::

Round 13

Anquan Boldin, WR DET – The Lions brought in Marvin Jones to play opposite Golden Tate, but in a Jim Bob Cooter offense, you need more hands on deck. Boldin’s value will skyrocket once he starts seeing targets in camp.

 

Round 14

Matt Ryan, QB ATL – Pure trade bait as I have zero need for him with Eli on my roster. The revamped offensive line doesn’t mean anything here. People just want to forget this guy.

Rounds 15/16

Kicker and defense – completely irrelevant at this point.

So roast away all you want. Have your eight seconds of fame on Twitter. Post a GIF of Modern Family’s Eric Stonestreet shaking his head in disapproval. But remember, these are your players. I’m just the guy having fun with them at your expense.