In every Guide we do at Fantasy Alarm there is one epic, life changing piece that people can never get out of their head. This just might be that piece.
What the hell does the title of this piece mean? Let me ask you a series of questions to help you to understand.
Do you like the look of police officers?
Do you like 80's porn?
Is Rollie Fingers, Wade Boggs or Dennis Eckersley your favorite baseball player?
Yeah, that's right, we're talking the most masculine look any red-blooded man can toss out there to impress a lady - a mustache. We're not talking beards - sorry Brian Wilson, Jayson Werth and Mike Napoli. We're talking hardcore, awe inducing, I've got a caterpillar on my upper lip, mustaches. Obviously a stache is a huge indicator of success. Oh, you think we're just pulling your leg with some lame trying to be funny thing? Trust us, if we wanted to be funny we could, and we wouldn't use a mustache as our jumping off point.
Science tells us that a mustache leads to success. Here's what we get after employing the scientific method. You are literally gaining 12.1 percent in terms of the performance of a player when he decides to leave the shaving cream in the drawer. Some obvious examples from 2014.
Luke Gregerson has dabbled with The Gable, a fine lined upper lip in an homage to Clark Gable. It's obviously the reason he was rewarded with a three year, $18.5 million contract from the Astros. Maybe his slider had something to do with it.
Sergio Romo had a darkass beard. He struggled. He cut it down to a goatee. What happened? In the second half last season he sported a 1.80 ERA, 0.85 WHIP, 10.35 K/9 mark and a 7.67 K/BB ratio. That's Hall of Fame level stuff by the way.
Tim Lincecum dang near, and I apologize for the lack of class with the following statement, sported a Hitler-stache last season. It didn't look good on one of the worst mass murders in the history of the world. It also didn't look good on Lincecum. I blame his down 2014 effort (12-9, 4.74 ERA, 1.39 WHIP) on the visual association with the man who basically caused the second World War. Science let us down with this one.
Close but no cigar...
Carlos Villanueva actually has a beard, which should disqualify him. However, he often sports a combo look where the beard and mustache don't connect leading to a distinctive mustache sitting on top of his beard. He's been known to pull out the wax and take things to a whole other level with a "Fingers" look. He posted the best K/BB ratio of his life last season 3.79. Coincidence? Hardly
Honorable mention...
Elvis Andrus for the "Lincoln" he sported last year. Not a true goatee of course, but when you can harken back to the days of Abe Lincoln, you're doing something right.
So next time you're in a slump at work or the ladies aren't paying you any mind at the local pub or club it may not be your clothes, personality or paycheck. It might just be that you don’t have a Brimley, Yosemite, Grass Grin, Mouser or Muzzy on your upper lip.